Give me something for the paaaaaaaain...

Earlier this week, Little Mate and I were indulging in the rare guilty afternoon pleasure of watching an episode of Ellen. I think this may have been a repeat, so forgive me if this is old news, but I'm not very up-to-date on celebrities... She had the very pregnant (and gorgeous!) actress, Kristen Bell as a guest on her show and, naturally, the conversation turned to her impending labour:
Ellen asks Kristen if she plans to have a natural birth. To which, Kristen gives Ellen a look as if she has asked her if she would mind severing one of her legs and giving it to her, shakes her head and replies 'I’ve got nothing to prove. No way! I feel like when I arrive at the hospital I want a glass of whiskey, I want the epidural in my back. And, I want to get hit in the face with a baseball bat and wake me up when it’s over because I’ve seen the videos and it looks terrifying!'

Such an honest answer inspired me to think, and subsequently write, about each woman's personal experience of childbirth and tolerance for pain. Of course, the correct and true answer is "to each her own". Nobody needs to, or should measure their experience against that of another, and each woman's experience of labour is different. 
But is it that simple? lets be honest here. As much as I try to live by the mantra of living life my way and not comparing myself to anyone else (and think I manage to succeed, most of the time), I have to admit, I do sometimes wish I could count myself amongst the women who have successfully endured labour with no pain relief. I hold women who go through natural births at heroine status. I cannot stress enough the admiration and awe I have for a woman who can bear down and birth her baby with no screams for mercy and pleading for the pain to stop. It's a badge she should wear with great pride.

My personal experience was (in brief) as follows:
Throughout my entire pregnancy, I never felt anxious or even nervous about my impending labour. Other things, yes, but the labour, no. I wondered if it was normal to feel this way, I often searched myself and tried to work out if underneath it all, there was a level of fear I wasn't tapping into, but I found no anxiety, I felt genuinely philosophical about it "Well, of course it's going to hurt, but there's not a hell of a lot I can do about it. I haven't been there yet, so I have no idea how it'll be for me, and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it". No pre-labour freak-outs. Even when I went into early labour, I was eerily calm. And quite proud of how well I was coping.
It turns out this was the "calm before the storm". Once I was in the hospital, and those contractions started coming thick and fast, to say I freaked out is an understatement. I unraveled completely, and panicked beyond reason. I was shaking uncontrollably. I wanted the epidural before I was even dilated enough to have one. I was terrified. Yes, the contractions were painful, but all I could think of was that they were going to get worse! My mind quit the game long before my body did. I had the epidural as soon as they would give it to me. In the end, I needed an emergency c-section anyway, so the epidural was going to happen, regardless. 

Am I relieved that I didn't go through the entire 12 hours of labour refusing pain relief only to have it administered in the end anyway? well, yes! when you put it that way, my God, yes! but part of me was disappointed that I had allowed my mind to shut down and refuse to tolerate any more. Part of me wishes I'd been the heroine. Reluctantly taking pain relief only when the medical staff told me "Sorry Mrs X, you are by far the bravest and strongest patient we've ever seen on this ward, but, no. We can't do a c-section without pain relief".

In planning to write about this, I went on a google search of this topic, and found a forum relating to the very Ellen interview I mentioned at the beginning, but to my great surprise, it was criticising Kristen for her comments. I was truly shocked. Many of the women on this forum, who had managed to successfully have natural births, felt that Kristen was criticising them and suggesting that the only reason they did this was to 'prove something'.
I will start by firstly saying, I never imagined that those who have successfully had natural childbirths would ever feel that they had to defend themselves, I only ever imagined this was a job for those who didn't, and secondly, by politely disagreeing. 
I may be naive but, however they came across, I genuinely don't believe that Kristen's comments were a direct criticism of anyone (seriously how could you criticise someone for such a thing), and I don't feel that anyone should take them personally. I wonder if maybe, the criticism ought to have been of Ellen for asking the question in the first place, but Ellen has a lot of admirers (myself included), and that's another battle I won't be fighting today.

I felt that Kristen's answer was not only incredibly funny, but refreshingly honest and it felt good hearing it. I was proud of Kristen. She made it OK to say that no, she doesn't plan to have a natural birth. Kristen hadn't had the baby yet. The easy answer would have been the standard and diplomatic "Well, yes, I mean, I obviously haven't been in the situation yet and don't know how I'll handle it, but I plan to go for as long as I can cope without relief", but she didn't. She made a joke, but also delivered a real truth. The truth; that she, personally, doesn't feel the need to give a false answer and/or prove that she will be able to do something which honestly terrifies her. What a great strength and a brave thing to admit on national television. 
In delivering her baby, Kristen may surprise herself and find that she copes better than she gives herself credit for. She may not. It doesn't really matter. It's none of my business, or anyone else's. But I have a feeling that however she does it, she'll do it her way. And for that, she gains my admiration and is up there with the heroines on my list.

Back to the aforementioned forum, I'd like to point out that although I don't agree with their stance on Kristen's declaration, the comments from the women were generally quite respectful and focused on the right to each woman's choice, but a few were not so much. Particularly those from a woman who missed the point of the topic altogether, and ironically failed terribly to prove that she had nothing to prove by making comments that she believed her sister was "week" (sic) for having an epidural during childbirth and taking tylenol for headaches. 
This is not the first time I've heard comments like this, and it is reminiscent of the time I had an extended family member, after discussing my labour experience and pain-relief choice, declare that epidural is for "cheats". I'm not going to focus too much on this type of person, because I am certain they are in the minority, and also, one paragraph of my time is about as much as I'm willing to give to those who choose to be nasty, but what I will say is this; The moment you criticise another person for their own personal levels of tolerance for pain, you lose your heroine status in my eyes. Yes, just like that. I have a list of the qualities I most value in others' and in myself, and having empathy for others rates significantly higher than the ability to tolerate extreme levels of physical pain.

In summary, I think that in writing this, I've actually made peace with my pain management choices in my own labour! Not only is it the past and not something I can change anyway, but I'd go so far as saying that I believe that it was the right choice for me. But there will always be a small part of me which admires and envies the heroines. Because I hate to admit my weaknesses, and my physical strength is by far one of my biggest. 
Is our entire strength as a woman really defined by what we do in that one block of time in which we are challenged more than most? of course not! I have faced fears, overcome challenges and achieved goals in my life which serve me well to remember, rather than equating strength to the ability to handle one specific situation. 

I do indeed have some strengths, but I can honestly say, and accept, that they are not to be found in the labour ward. Next time, who knows? I may surprise myself. Then again, I may find myself begging to be hit in the face with the baseball bat, too.